nashville .. a city of educated dreamers
I live in a city of educated dreamers who’ve dared to never put their coloring books away .. who’ve sacrificed conventional lifestyle for faith and belief in their artistic creations .. faith and belief they can color the world with their music.
I am one of those people.
I’ll admit I sometimes lose my color, caught in the black and white .. Caught in a flashback of an ex boyfriend once telling me that I need to “get serious” and dress and act more like a “grown up” .. words that ultimately pushed me to do the opposite - cuz let’s face it - I’ve always gravitated towards going against orders I’m given.
I’ll admit I’ve lost many nights .. up til 4am relentlessly writing prayers to erase self-sabotaging thoughts and remind myself I’m still that girl in college who settled for nothing less than an A.
I’ll admit I’ve lost sight of my daydream many times. I’ve let my eyes wander to the right and to the left, wondering what life would look like with a salary .. benefits .. PTO [what!!!] .. safety .. comfort .. But then I think about what life would look like without music and movies and necklaces on our necks and bracelets on our wrists .. art on our walls .. new clothing designs to wear. A world without artistic creations .. a world without color. I imagine it to look a lot like the walls inside of a post office or the DMV .. Empty. And who would I be to walk away from my colorful dream just because it isn’t easy?
I’ll admit there are nights I sing to crowded rooms, where I’m surrounded afterwards by people praising my music .. nights I’m on fire, witnessing my ideal self coming into play .. the dream finally here. And then there are mornings I wake up wondering if I’ll ever have a night like that again .. and I spend the day furiously searching for that same kind of high .. that glitter I can’t seem to rediscover.
I’ll admit that during college, my dad would make comments about the “real world” that would slightly terrify me .. And now that same man [my favorite man in the world might I add] sends me message after message telling me how proud he is of me .. and how he never really felt called to hustle after a specific passion the way I do.
I’ll admit I’ve lost track of the 3am phone calls I’ve made to my mom .. where she hears me through my panic and lets me ugly cry .. and then she talks every single demon out of my head.
I’ll admit I’ve lost track of how many heartbreaks I’ve had .. breaks I don’t openly showcase cuz they don't accentuate anything positive .. except my heart’s strength in its ability to still believe in and continue to love.
I’ll admit I am an artist .. a girl most alive when creating new songs to sing.
There is almost nothing I’m afraid of anymore. I was born to glow in the dark.